tieing the knot

so yours truly (returning from a much anticipated hiatus) is getting ready to get hitched...yup, the eternal self-proclaimed bachelor is getting ready to become a "we"...no longer, I, rather "us"...or "we'll..." or "i'll have to check with my better half..." People will no longer refer to me as simply "Joey"...it'll be a package deal; Joey and Adrian!

wow...even i sometimes have a hard time believing it...which is probably a societally-orchestrated thought, seeing as how there's that old wives tale that 'gays' don't...correction, "aren't allowed" to get married in today's world. well i'm here to tell ya'll that that previously believed idea doesn't stand to be true anymore! gay couples can now officially hold the same legal rights as all straight married couples! it doesn't have as catchy a title as the "husband/wife" regime adopted by all those straighties...ours is simply refered to as "civil partners"! which i'm totally ok with!!

adrian; the gent in question, is the one that has continuously saved me from myself since we've met... he lives a life much unlike my own; one that isn't plagued by a strict exercise regime , an obsession with routine, or the inability to relax and let the mind rest...

i guess some could call him my rock...well at least he would be if he knew how to handle me when i'm in one of my notoriously troubling moods... that he's still trying to figure out...for if he had then i wouldn't probably be sitting here at my computer on a friday night alone (well with the dogs) while he's out celebrating with "my" friends, while i pine away loathing the fact that he and carolyn were able to remove themselves from the situation that has forced me to stay in for the night, and leave me alone to deal with my own demons...

prepare for my rant:

i mean shouldn't he know by now what i NEED when i get like this???? shouldn't he know that i need someone to just not talk or nag me, but to yell at me and tell me to fuck off and just grab me and hold me until i'm over it...

but no... he doesn't know this yet, in fact sometimes i worry he doesn't know enough about me...i worry that maybe he is just in love with the idea of me...not really knowing what's underneath, or bothering to take the time to really look at what's there...perhaps for fear of finding out...haha, let's hope not... *nervous laughter*

maybe i'm the one who's afraid of him really finding out what's there...for fear he'll run screaming for the hills...

but then i erase this thought from my mind since i pride myself on being a very honest and open person...if i were able to fake the way i feel then i would be at that party right now, and not sitting here at my computer talking to you... so i guess it's not a total loss!!

i do have worries about getting married...i think that maybe if we didn't 'have' to be doing this, then...no, you know what? i don't think that...i do love him, with all my heart, and i do actually enjoy the fact that i don't know everything there is to know about him, and that he doesn't know everything there is to know about me...i think that part of the fun of being in a relationship is finding out more and more about your partner, and exploring who they are...

if all the mystery was gone after the first month, then what is there left to discover?

and so here i sit...thinking, and mulling, and stewing in a pot of my own guilt and frustration...wishing and hoping that the one that stands there before me can be the one to pull me out...