tieing the knot

so yours truly (returning from a much anticipated hiatus) is getting ready to get hitched...yup, the eternal self-proclaimed bachelor is getting ready to become a "we"...no longer, I, rather "us"...or "we'll..." or "i'll have to check with my better half..." People will no longer refer to me as simply "Joey"...it'll be a package deal; Joey and Adrian!

wow...even i sometimes have a hard time believing it...which is probably a societally-orchestrated thought, seeing as how there's that old wives tale that 'gays' don't...correction, "aren't allowed" to get married in today's world. well i'm here to tell ya'll that that previously believed idea doesn't stand to be true anymore! gay couples can now officially hold the same legal rights as all straight married couples! it doesn't have as catchy a title as the "husband/wife" regime adopted by all those straighties...ours is simply refered to as "civil partners"! which i'm totally ok with!!

adrian; the gent in question, is the one that has continuously saved me from myself since we've met... he lives a life much unlike my own; one that isn't plagued by a strict exercise regime , an obsession with routine, or the inability to relax and let the mind rest...

i guess some could call him my rock...well at least he would be if he knew how to handle me when i'm in one of my notoriously troubling moods... that he's still trying to figure out...for if he had then i wouldn't probably be sitting here at my computer on a friday night alone (well with the dogs) while he's out celebrating with "my" friends, while i pine away loathing the fact that he and carolyn were able to remove themselves from the situation that has forced me to stay in for the night, and leave me alone to deal with my own demons...

prepare for my rant:

i mean shouldn't he know by now what i NEED when i get like this???? shouldn't he know that i need someone to just not talk or nag me, but to yell at me and tell me to fuck off and just grab me and hold me until i'm over it...

but no... he doesn't know this yet, in fact sometimes i worry he doesn't know enough about me...i worry that maybe he is just in love with the idea of me...not really knowing what's underneath, or bothering to take the time to really look at what's there...perhaps for fear of finding out...haha, let's hope not... *nervous laughter*

maybe i'm the one who's afraid of him really finding out what's there...for fear he'll run screaming for the hills...

but then i erase this thought from my mind since i pride myself on being a very honest and open person...if i were able to fake the way i feel then i would be at that party right now, and not sitting here at my computer talking to you... so i guess it's not a total loss!!

i do have worries about getting married...i think that maybe if we didn't 'have' to be doing this, then...no, you know what? i don't think that...i do love him, with all my heart, and i do actually enjoy the fact that i don't know everything there is to know about him, and that he doesn't know everything there is to know about me...i think that part of the fun of being in a relationship is finding out more and more about your partner, and exploring who they are...

if all the mystery was gone after the first month, then what is there left to discover?

and so here i sit...thinking, and mulling, and stewing in a pot of my own guilt and frustration...wishing and hoping that the one that stands there before me can be the one to pull me out...

shhhhh

i've always been quite intrigued by sex and those who really put it out there...

our society has built somewhat of a stigma around sex, and those who build their life around it...forcing it underground, and out of sight, where the term "seedy" takes over like some sort of excuse.

yet behind closed doors, even the worlds elite are doing it...and worse off, they're probably the ones that get their rocks off in the most "naughtiest" of ways...and subsequently they scoff those who are the most honest about their carnal desires...

doesn't that seem a tad bit hypocritical to anyone else???

i think that's why i have an obsession with porn, and strippers (love you jenna), because this is probably the most honest industry in the whole world, existing with practically nothing to hide, and purely there for our enjoyment...isn't that what sex is all about?

to turn our noses up at the girls who need to "dance" to make a living, yet then go out on saturday night and pick up a random to satisfy that burning desire we possess to not be alone...is the saddest thing i could possibly imagine...

who are we to judge?

that thing...

so i have always believed that everybody has their own little kinks...some that we don't always want to share with people, and others that we love to flaunt and have exposed for the raw kinks that they are...

but no matter how vanilla or raunch your specific kink is, does that make it wrong? is there a level of kinkiness that deems some to be acceptable, and others not??

i recently "came out" to carolyn with the prospect of a new "kink" of mine, and let's just say she was less than "ok" with it...k, now wait; it had nothing to do with her...well at least not directly, anyways... and she was very quick to judge...to say the least...

what gives people the right to judge the factors that get us off?? who allows them the permission to view our kinks as taboo, yet their own as totally acceptable??

shouldn't we all just accept our dirrty little secrets for what they are, and move on? especially between friends...what's it to them, really??

am i right??

faces

i was talking with christina tonight about how facebook has revolutionized dating; isn't it odd how friends used to find out about a new relationship through actual voice-on-voice phone calls from one party to the other...but since the days of facebook all one has to do to tell everyone about their new found happiness is to change their "relationship status" on their home page!!

i mean, i've said it before and i'll say it again; what did the world do before facebook?????

we used to have to reveal our secrets to the world one phone call at a time...now all it takes is a 2 second posting on one of the most popular networking sites of all time, and within moments all of your "friends" are aware of the new developments in your life!!!

you can put it down all you want, but there's no denying the usefulness of facebook and all it's applications!

why waste your time making the obligatory phonecalls to all of your loved ones to notify them of your news; let facebook do it for you!

xx

what made you

one of my favourite questions i get asked the most often since i've been here in england, is "what made you decide to come to the UK"?

at first i didn't think too much about my answer, (it was time to come over here; i was done with canada/the US; always wanted to live in/visit europe) or their motives behind asking...until the 100 000 time that very same question was posed.

then it got me thinking; if i met someone in canada who had just moved there from the UK, i would probably have asked them the same thing!!

what is it about the area we're from that is always less appealing to us than it is to someone who's never been before?

i always thought that those who live somewhere fabulous like london, would love london!! but i've come to find that there are loads of natives to this gorgeous land, who can no longer see it's appeal. and it would be the same with canada; i can not think of one genuine reason why someone would want to leave somewhere like england to migrate to somewhere in canada (aka the land of the endless winters)...

i suppose the old saying "the grass is always greener" rings true in this situation, doesn't it? when we're standing in the same pasture we've stood in for our whole lives, the thought of going somewhere else outside of the familiar (no matter what the downfalls) will always have it's appeal...

Red Carpet Suicide

well my darling Perez Hilton, otherwise known as the gossip gangster, has recently published his (first of hopefully many) books, appropriately titled "Red Carpet Suicide".

it's basically his daily blog reformatted to fit into a 250 page book, where he dishes more dirt, and comments on the awesome world of "the famous".

being somewhat biased to him already; i read his column as often as amy winehouse smokes crack, i knew his book would be above amazing!! and as i dove head first into it the second amazon.co.uk delivered it to my door, i realized my aforementioned predictions were true!

i've always been impressed by this man's wit and poignant point of view, and this book does not disappoint.

but the main reason to pick up his book is because he offers up an explanation to the worlds fascination with celebrities. focusing mainly on the reasons behind why certain starlets become famous for absolutely no reason, he attempts to shed some light on just why we have allowed celebrities to rule the world, with us hanging off of their every move.

i think my favourite part thus far is his forward that was written by andy warhol (from heaven) that focuses on his infamous quote that "in the future, everyone will be world famous for 15 minutes". and if take a gander at the tabloids these days, you'll see andy's prediction brought to life, right before your eyes...

check it out!

someone different

i recently have found myself extremely attracted to a type of person i didn't know i could have feelings for.

isn't that interesting? now i never considered myself to be someone who even had a "type"; i've dated/slept with people of different shapes and sizes, colours, ages, nationalities, backgrounds, jobs, etc; and have always found myself to be quite versatile when it comes to men.

i am attracted to warmth, charisma, confidence, and a killer personality. and recently have found myself quite intrigued by the idea of being with someone so completely opposite from not only myself, but from those men who make up my tattered past!

perhaps it's the universe throwing me a bone, (and hopefully a boner!!) perhaps meeting someone so completely different from the one i thought i'd end up with, is exactly the way it's sepposed to be!

maybe having me believe that i thought i always knew what i wanted, was the plough all along...only to have me be completely thrown and surprised by the direction my hormones have led me!!

fasten your seatbelts

some people

so people in the past have been somewhat intrusive sometimes when it comes to MY 'blogging rules'; those being that this is MY blog, and i shouldn't have to apologize for anything i say on here at ANY time...no matter who i offend in the blogging process.

but lately, there have been a few occasions when i have offended a certain 'someone' (in particular) with my opinions/feelings that i've posted on here, and thusly ended up feeling guilty for it.

but aren't blogs just like an online diary; one that is available for everyone to see?!?! if someone read something about themselves they didn't like in your PERSONAL PRIVATE diary, that person would have no one to blame but themselves for their invasion of YOUR privacy...so is an online diary really any different???

i mean it's not like you FORCED them to read it, right???? they could just have not logged on to your page, and no one would have been the wiser!

but simply because they made a decision(their own, might i add) to log on, and happened to read something they didn't feel so great about, suddenly I'M the one to blame???

well i hereby revoke YOUR right to read my blog, as i've done to others in the past...if you have received a personal invitation in the past to log on to this page, consider this a rebuttal. i shouldn't have to bow down to anyone regarding the content about what i write about; i didn't stop writing dirty entries when i found out my mom read this, and i certainly don't intend to stop expressing myself the way i please, just because some people can't handle it...

deal with it.

Lady Gaga live in London (G-A-Y Heaven 17/01/2009)

she's fuckin' brilliant; and put on a rockin' show! i'm obsessed!! xx

true lies

have you ever told a lie so many times over, that you start to believe it?

so many times, that this lie starts to become a part of who you are, and you start to forget where the truth ends, and the lie begins?

there's been something, nothing ground-breakingly important...fear not, but something that started out as somewhat of an "embellishment" and sort of snowballed into a full blown big-fat-fuckin' lie!!

every time i tell it, i think to myself; WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS AGAIN????? but it's almost as if since i started saying it i can't seem to stop...

but isn't that what lying is all about? it's addictive, and once you start you just can't stop...and before you know it, you're telling it to everyone...whether you consciously do it or not...

but here's the hard part; how do you stop? once something has been engrained in your brain to the point where it's almost automatic, how do you put a halt to it? and worst of all...if found out, how do you recover from it?

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING TOTALLY ADHD AND COMPLETELY OFF TOPIC; what the fuck is up with people who can't handle what they feel????

is it an age thing? are younger lads just completely unable to handle and deal with their emotions????? a word to the wise, and to a certain someone in particular: when something you know you shouldn't be feeling gets the best of you...learn how to fuckin deal with it!!!!!!!!! don't be a pussy about it; just put it out there and decide what your heart/head is telling you...and react...

fuck

New Year

well i'm not usually one for making resolutions come the new year...not because i don't agree with the idea of them, but simply because i don't believe in making one that i don't intend to stand by.

however, as january 1st (2009) inched it's way closer and closer, i found myself evaluating my whirlwind year that was 2008 and thinking about the things i'd like to have done differently.

now those of you who know me, know that i don't believe in regrets...i accept the things i have done incorrectly, and simply learn from them and move on.

so as i look back at the mistakes of the past 365 days, i have come to 3 "so-called-new-years-resolutions" that i feel will help me to make this year even more bitchin' than the last!!

the first thing i take upon myself this year is the desire to continue to live as healthily as i possibly can. this past year i decided to turn vegan, but then realized that i wasn't getting as many nutrients as i should be. i felt myself losing weight, which is something i never wanted to do, so i have returned to my vegetarian roots...where i feel the most happy with myself! besides what i eat, i simply want to listen to the angel on my shoulder who tells me what i should and should not be putting in my body. now don't get me wrong, i love's me my red wine and won't be giving that up anytime soon...but those of you who've been partying with me over the holidays know about the poisons that i wish to now stray from...for good.

the second thing i want for myself this year is to not be afraid to get close to another person in a relationship again...i have had quite a tumultous past in the "boy department"...going from full blown whore status, to my now unrequited "lover-not-a-fighter-waiting-for-his-Edward-to-come-along"...status? i'm not even sure that is a status...but that's where i'm at right now...my "tattered past" of which i spoke before has left me with a sadness that i can't seem to shake when it comes to commitment...i always said i'd never be one of those bruised lovers who can't get past the break-ups and the heartaches that has left them feeling less than whole time and time again...but alas i still carry with me the baggage of those break ups...even though i'm getting back to my good ol' self with each sunny day! but this year i hope to let go of those negative vibes that are holding me back from getting closer to someone and really letting them into my psyche...for relationships are all about taking risks...and not being afraid of putting themselves into the crossfire!

lastly, as i step full-on into 2009, still reaping the drawbacks of the most expensive christmas of my life, the third thing i resolve to do this year is to be aware and more conscious of how i spend my earnings...i love having things to show for my hard work, and i feel over the past few months...namely because of my crazy xmas...i haven't had a lot gained over as i dive into my overdraft...and in 2009 i vow to change all that. now that doesn't mean that i intend to not shop anymore...pbbbt~do you not know me at all??? it just means that i intend to spend my money more wisely on those lovely items at topman, and not so much on those other 'highs' that don't last nearly as long!! as i get ready to turn 28 this year, i refuse to be ruled by debt, and promise to be much more conscious of how i save.

so to those of you who i missed over the holidays, i bid you the best! 2009 has begun with a fuckin' bang, and i hope you are all looking forward, as much as i am, to more galavanting, random wine soaked nights with friends, good times, great flicks, good teaching days, amazing walks with doggies, and those quiet evenings when all you wanna do is curl up with a good book on your coach, and just stay in...mmmm!!