cola

******i started writing this like a week ago, and there was nothing that prompted this discussion, so no worries...just so you know*****

i've never blamed drugs for anything in my life, EXCEPT for my paranoia...and it's just something that i've noticed recently, like over the past 2 years or so. before then i'm sure i was still plagued by it, but i guess until i stopped doing them it didn't dawn on me just how (quote-un-quote) crazy i was becoming!

now i'm only being silly when i refer to myself as crazy, although i'm sure my friends might say otherwise!! but i really am plagued by paranoia. some people have panic attacks, others are plagued by anxiety, i experience bouts of paranoia.

it's the one thing that i can honestly attribute to my 5 year stint. and it's not a scape goat, really!! i believe we all walked away from those days with a little chip on our shoulder, and a future therapy bill in the making!!

but seriously, here's an example. like when i make my lunch at night for work the next day, there's something in the back of my head that makes me think that if i cut my sandwich a different way, it'll somehow affect my life...and these things usually happen in a negative sense. of if i don't get out of bed from a certain side, then i'm guaranteed to have a bad day...or if i don't say goodnight and 'i love you' to each of my dogs before i go to sleep at night, then something bad could happen to them...fuck, i am a little bit crazy!! no, but really! these things aren't completely deep rooted in my psyche, and most of time if i tell myself that i'm being insane and that if my horoscope tells me that something colossal is going to happen a week from next thursday, it's not exactly set in stone and there's really no need to worry!

my mother suffers from o.c.d (obsessive compulsive disorder), you know what i mean? like checking the stove 5 times before she leaves the house, kinda thing! and growing up i would always tell her that she's being retarded, and that obviously it's off...but no one can convince you that what you believe to be true...actually isn't!! it's something she's had to deal with herself, and no matter how many times i tried to drill it in her head that she never even turned on the stove this morning...in her mind, it might still be on! i always told myself growing up, that i wouldn't end up like that, and wouldn't let that little voice in the back of my head get the best of me, but after a while all my mother's idiosyncracies crept in a little.

do you remember meryl streep's character in lemony snickett's "a series of unfortunate events"? well that's my mother, no just joking!! i guess all those years of drugs certainly did her in, too!! like mother, like son, right? no i'm just kidding!!

things like this are really mind over matter. when you overcome them in your mind, they don't seem to have much effect anymore. mind you, that's easier said than done in most cases. mental battles are the hardest to defeat, but in my life i've come to realize that admitting it is the hardest part. when i put my mind to something, overcoming it really isn't so difficult. because i'm not completely crazy, most of the time i can convince myself that i'm just being silly.

well i feel better!

oh my god, on a completely different note one more thing before i wrap this up; i saw miss terri grant (from roger's video) at reflections the other weekend, and she was like "i'm so high" and i was like "off weed?" and she was like "no love, on chach"...

i was so disgusted, i didn't know what to say!! poor little miss terri grant! whatever happened to my video store buddy...where did she go wrong? do people even do cola anymore???

i guess she didn't read the "star" article telling the world that vodka and pain killers were back in vogue!! jeez terri, get a clue!!